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[ Part 1 ] + [ Part 2 ]
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"AND NOW for something a little more... in depth When I was originally contacted by Asandir he left me with the questions above, I told him that they were to simple, and that "you" the reader, would never know me for who I am unless he, "Asandir", started to ask me a few questions that as it seems none of you have the time to ask me
SO! Lets get to IT."
You said that you helped someone to survive, did you ever come to a point where you needed the help of someone else to survive?
"Killing your self...or not to kill your self... The ones that do, are either the people that have come through it and survived as either the victim of a lesser being of them selves as they soon see, who are moving forward in their life, using their experience as their coping and conquering mechanism, or the ones that are pushed to divulge their tale of weakness and their eventual triumph of mere survival. Or people that toyed with the idea, maybe joked with their friends about cutting their wrists, or in a deluded state imagined someone else hanging from a tree, maybe shooting them selves, trying to imagine the horrors of war or un balancing their health to a level that they would surely perish from the choices and life style.
Then there are the people that don't speak... or the ones that will step back from the crowd, maybe saying that the conversation is disturbing, or they have something else to do... maybe they just go quiet into thought, putting on a well practiced mask of a smile and a forced laugh to hide from the feelings that swirl in their head like some kind of nightmarish merry-go-round with blades for seats, poisons for candy, suffering souls for music and a conductor that has cranked the dial so high that to attempt to step off is to surely fell them selves in a glorious show of pain and tears that would eventually lead to a full 30 seconds of a news caster the next evening for all the world to see and shake their head in dishonor or failing respect...
To say the truth, a number of years ago I did not know why someone would want to end their life, how anyone could imagine in their darkest dreams to end the only thing they are given... life... in all its remarkable beauty and glory.
Age 12, joy... the world is filled with bliss, magic, euphoria, hope, dreams, beauty with every sun rise, and danger with every moon... homework in the evening, (that I never did) and food! The culinary perfections of the world around me, beauty in every taste
Age 15, starting to ask questions about people, race, religion, sex, by now I have gotten into furry things and find the art to be amazing how some of the looks of creatures could inspire feelings in me from love to desire, from moral challenge to thoughts that compel you to sit alone at night and think about a fictional characters life... and their challenges.
My moral compass is starting to sway in a direction not of right and wrong in even the higher sense of the idea, but rather to an idea of, what would society want if ever given the decisions I was starting to make by my self as a flourishing mind and being. My second love of my life came a year later telling me that I was not like the other guys... I was ...different... ... did not think the same way...
Age 17, suspended from school indefinitely, pending a full psychiatric evaluation on mental stability...medication...pills...chemicals...dai ly, every 12 hours... the terms, suicidal... dangerous... hazardous to the health of others...psychotic... killer... never spoken in front of me but haunting the papers and minds of people around me Age 19, put a loaded gun to my head.
A challenge in me, to define what I was... no plea to a higher power, no scream of terror, no people by my side or authorities staying me... no tears... the pills took care of those... Just me and a way out of a life I would rather give away then have to endure.
To fit into a given life... and society, as classified by the governments, societies, clicks, and groups around me, I had to be everything I was not. Meaning that I was wrong, that everything that I was, what I was given, what I was to become was some kind of mistake, that no matter how hard you try to delete the file, erase the answer, paint over it, or construct new walls to barricade the truth... the splintering, the glow, the very smell of the idea was foul to the life that I had been given.
There were fewer answers as time went on... you learn to push the thought of what your life is to the back of your mind, as what I am told is what most people start to do at my age now... starting to settle into a life of ever increasing challenges and stressors that come from the society that we as humans use to survive.
To this day I still wonder if I made the right choice in leaving my door unlocked so that if a curious sibling yondered, the outcome may have been different then what ultimately transpired... a fight, a bullet in my wall, that was eventually patched and covered by a painting so that no one could see the minor discoloration of the paint, and be able to question the need to paint over a cracked and splintered object.
Many people think about suicide, on how it is selfish, cruel, and painful to those around them, then able to joke about it with close friends or acquaintances as they shuffle for dominance in a social group. Drinking or smoking away their ideas and minds until they get to awaken the next morning and come at a new day refreshed and capable of greater statures then the day behind them. Many people think that suicide is some kind of unuttered joke, a dream that if given the choice, the sky in their world would flicker once and their decision made that the very idea sounds crazy or so far beneath them that the idea is laughable and until challenged about the idea, would never care about the feelings of depression, or hating them selves.
Then there are some that feel the pains inside of them, how suffering, lies, loss of feeling, unrest, darker thoughts, and the very foundations of their world that they see morph or crumble beneath them in a desperate circumstance of bargaining and endurance. To digress is to fall victum to the demons inside them . To fight is to keep your head above the ever rising tide of water that so far has been unsuccessful in claiming their breath, that they are told they want.
To these people the idea of suicide is not foreign, some of them cut to test to see if they are awake or still living in their nightmare, some of them will make knots in rope and imagine them selves inside of the tie as they pull the 2 ends so tight that it makes their muscles burn and their tears flow, some may pray at church, then go home and ask the lord for a second favor, giving them the courage to pull the trigger... some will drink their pain away, or get so high that they cant even feel their mind as it churns with the idea of the pain that it causes them
Me... I come at life with memories, the feeling of a cool barel stroking my hair... the weight of a clip and machine that if I wanted it to, I could paint a murrel And I am at peace with that idea.. its not something I talk about readily, its not something that I do when I get sad, or angry with my self, not something that I threaten or desire, but rather a piece of my past that brings me comfort vs the pain of the events that lead to it."
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Tell me about one person that you saved...this person was in need of help... but did you ever feel like you couldn't help this person? Were you afraid of being not able to help despite your best efforts? And was there someone who you could not save/help?
"One person I saved...
"Saved" is a term given medically to reversing the affects of an event or condition where without help the subject would perish or deteriorate to a point where the idea of life is no longer sustainable/ desirable for its cause.
In the grandeur of the idea of pulling someone from a burning building, or out of a car and giving a life sustaining breath I have no stories. No heroics, no tales, no little quips of an older me saving someone them snapping to and looking at me with a query and a cough.
To digress, the term "saved" also means desirable outcome... And in that sense to make it more desirable then what they as individuals have currently in their life.
On a nightly basis I get online, I talk to people, some here on NG, some in other games like imvu, or msn and skype, and I push them.
Take a human... moving along in life, has a job, pays their bills, maybe has a gf or bf, maybe their only real friend is a cat or a little puppy named spot ;) and here they sit stagnant in life, not moving ahead, not really moving backwards, at peace with the world around them... you would be in awe of the number of people like this that you can find between the ages of 19-24 M/F has a high school cert, kind of debating about collage or university, no real money but a good mind on their shoulders, has a job now and is going to be moving out soon so that they can start to live their life, is shy, and does not really want to upset anyone/hurt anyone, is looking for love, is a little under read or mildly read, and thinks not with their head... but what their friends say, or what they think the internet says .
Introduce an asshole... Who "does not care" if the other person does not themselves. Someone that will systematically encroach, befriend, slander the past, glorify the future, push, control, twist, empower, then set free onto a life that gives power to user, because of previously under-manipulated life styles and no drive to reach for something that is so much better...
I do not have stories of heroism, nor bravery to defy what nature wants, all I have is students/friends
Just last year a friend of mine graduated from his petroleum engineering course, when he wanted to drop out and follow an idea of a rough neck because it would have been easier than school. I like to boast about twins that I called on their bluff, wanting to take acting when one was in business management, the other in building engineering, both now gainfully employed. The up and coming accountant who was thinking of just going for an arts degree, Miss. secretary that wanted to quit at the beginning of grade 12 who is actually thinking about going back now to go into law and only because she has the job working inside of a court house... and trust me she was a difficult girl, but now she is able to dream that kind of reality...
Currently I have a number of students that are just going through the end of high school and most of them are excited about their education in given fields that would be "cool", Friends inside of arts, law, business, management, oil, the military
All it takes is the asshole to get in front of them, ruffle their feathers a little, then start the process of freeing their mind to the idea that they themselves are FAR more capable then what they think, then all it takes is a leading hand to show them what.. They can reach for and not only acquire, but capture and use to further them selves in their life. (you know who you are, and I know that when you read this the first words out of your mouth are going to be "oh fuck me... that bastard has been... faaaack" ... I got plan for you, remember that)
And then there is the other side of the tale, about helping people... Back probably 5 years ago I learned that some people just don't want to move forward in life, be it social challenges or a highly abusive family life... there have been 2 times that I have had to separate a friend from their family before I could even start to get them to move forward.. And at which point it becomes a balancing act of control for the future vs the past and what each have to offer...
In both cases the friendship failed because of mounting stressors that come with moving out, an abusive set or parent and a lifestyle of dependence, education and work at the same time, the first not as bad as the second, at least with the second, the friendship lasted as long as her getting a little medical training, a little bit of supervisor experience, and starting to get her drivers license. I do have my failures, "her's" was one of my biggest because I was starting out and did not understand how to push someone correctly against the idea of going back to a family where nothing will change.
That one still bugs me a little only because it was so close to pulling through... + she was cute and a furry.
A bit of advice was given to me when I started my medical courses a little while ago... "All those in need of saviors, may not find the hand so soon as it will be able to save them. All we do is provide and pray, because we like god work in mysterious ways"
You mentioned recently that you see violent happenings, like demons torturing people, are you afraid of those demons, that their showcased brutality becomes a reality, that maybe for you and the ability to determine what real and what is not will go away? Are you afraid of your self?
"Afraid of my self...
I guess the best answer is that of the answer I came to the night that put my gun to my head and what I was thinking vs what I think of it now...
To most the answer is as simple as: Think some bad shit Put gun to head... pull trigger... <sentence done>
Put gun to head... don't pull trigger... pray, beg, cry, fail, try again tomorrow until someone or something stops you.
So how could the answer ever be complicated...
Apart from the thinking.. and there was a lot of it... I ended up deciding that the best course of action was to allow the world to continue to spin, without me knowing about it And if not for my little brother wanting to show me the newest game he just downloaded I don't think I would be here writing to you...
By today's standard, my thoughts, the ideas behind it... it is still something that I think about... if I made the right decision.. If I could go back and talk to my self, and have the door locked, so that it would be just me... would I have ended up not being here...
In all honesty.. I don't know if there was much else to tell my self that I was not already thinking about... From the pain I would cause my family, to the life that I would give up, what the future might hold, what I had gotten over, what I was struggling with, how it would affect my brother and sister, even down to the cleanup I was calm and thinking of the advantages and disadvantages of moving the trigger.
Fast forward to today, and you see about the same outline of person, same height, blue eyes, brown hair that is curly when it gets long, wanting to volunteer and contribute to the society around him, same smile, and difficulties...just a little more experience.... In reality, it really is not something that you can run away from. As long as the challenge remains, so will the question, and if the question is what am I, and the answer comes out as what was written down on the paper and mind of others... then I will never really be free.
To a lot of people that know me I am still that same psychotic time bomb that was writing things on desks in grade 10 that as I found out made the student that found it originally resign from school and start to get home schooling (It was that kind of.... Fuck! This shit is going down... get me the hell out of here) So here I am.. 22 years old, happy because of daily happenings, and pliable to be able to not only function but to thrive in the world around me...
Do I fear my self? Do I fear the demons that preview random acts of violence to nice people, friends, family, pets, animals and even inanimate objects? Do I enjoy the view of watching things in my head that make me wince, blink twice, and have to remain professional, smiling, or helpful to people when they need me, when all I want to do is look away..
It's a yes and no... Fear of me losing a grip on reality is ...it makes me want to sit down and become closed to the world, it allows my weaker side that is not really able to cope with the ideas and images to come out and take the lead in my head... and I know that if I allow that to happen, I will decline quickly and start to slide down the mental slope that I don't want to fall from...
Do I fear the demons regularly? No.. I cant... because if I allow the fears in me to overwhelm me, then I fear that the walls between this world and my mind will fall and such atrocities may come out to explore... a situation that would hurt a lot of people... ....
So, here I am ... needing to semi entertain the idea, even if I don't want to, fearing the outcome of either end result...
A tight rope walking act.
The forums of Newgrounds are a place that you have been visiting since years. Tell me moments where you felt proud/happy of being a forum user. On the other hand, did you ever feel ashamed of the forums?
"I think that every time that a friend got to a certain post count... or when I got to 10,000 post... It seems like such a long time ago too... There have been a number of times that a few mods have locked threads and refused to unlock them that kinda pissed me off a little... OH! The two times that I epic trolled with Xenomit... getting to 2 pages of people going back and forth on a topic and then us bust in and photo troll everyone that they had all been had.
IF...IF.... We want to count times outside of the bbs, (while still bbs users) I remember a time not to long ago, where I was pretending to be two differnet people and kept a conversation going for a good 30 minuets before one of the users left, and I continued on just normally until I bust in with a "hey guys... guess what" Responces to follow:
Noo..... .... Noo.... (said in a way of denial of what just happenend) "GOD FUCKING DAMIT TOX I HATE YOU SOOO FUCKING MUCH RIGHT NOW!!! Fucking! Cuntnugget!" That and few people were silent... It has been well over a month now, and I still laugh at that first response... if the situation was made out of shit... it would be golden shit turds of the master tr0ll@h"
Did you ever think about how your life will end some day? What were your thoughts in that moment, do you believe in a life after death? If so, describe your after life scenario. Does it determine your actions? If you don't believe in a life after death, do you still think that whatever you do truly matters, when it all ends after all?
"How I think I am going to go out of this world, and what I think about it all..
I am debating what I should say vs what I should actually say. Understand that some of the things... that if I were truthful and in detail.. I would not only not be allowed on the internet for a few years, but I would most likely find my self a new room mate within the halls of a medium or maximum security prison for a part of my life...
Understand that I am also going into a police career, TO HELP PEOPLE.. I have ALWAYS wanted to protect people, (either from my self, the world around the person or from others vs others) and above ALL else I am ethically a good man Ideally I wish I could be in the bomb disposal unit.. And please don't think that I am boasting ... I think the very idea of rushing into something to save life, property, virtue, integrity, safety, and peace... is awesome! And is something that has captivated me from a very young age.. What could be cooler, and more thrilling in life, then rising in the morning, and saying to your self that you are going to be putting on a class 5 suit, and clipping wires on a bomb planted by a terrorist organization in a bank, whose only intent was to harm, mane, and destroy.
Leaving that on one hand, I also have other not so... cheerful thoughts.. But many came from a few years back, when I was scribbeling on desks...
The sorts of ideas that can take just a regular student and make them want to flee from a school :/ Ideas that would end more then 100% of the time end with police gunning me down in a hail of bullets :/ Ideas that would make headline news articles all over the world :/ ...
Many of those thoughts I do not even entertain anymore... its part of a past that I have pushed back and off of my self... Mainly because that is neither who I am, want to be, and in such a deeply opposite direction from what; I want to show the world around me that the person I am, is honor bound, is someone to get behind and cheer on, because I am someone that will make them proud but if I start telling people...anyone... some of the darker thoughts that reside in me, the side of me that still smiles a little at those ideas, they would hear the words.. and would probably think I am talking about some kind of post apocalyptic world war scene... to which I, with a well practiced tongue, play off as a story or a new game I was playing, OH and let me tell you it was absolutely terrible. I mean the graphics... shit.. and the main gun that the creators gave you and the AI's all have such a shitty way of looking down the sights... and they auto spawn and you can actually see them spawn and drop to the ground... Some truth.. some lies, and you as an individual would be happy that I was talking to you on a subject that we can both semi follow .
If my future is dictated from my past then I will lead my self to the conclusion that I am who I am and that cannot be changed or fixed and I may not be around all that long, but it is because I believe that I am no longer the person that wants to instill fear in people, I can push forward at a rate that will allow me to be the character that anyone would want to put infront of them selves and the world around them, and say fix that so I feel safe...
I am living my after life scenario... It did not come contrary to a violent act or a moment of fear, there were no tears in needing to let my old self go, or rather attempt to... it came from an idea of what I could be... if I let a part of me die.
The after life is shit btw... all it can think about is when it was happy... when everything was simple... When everything was peaceful... When everything was alive.. and ready to fight for any cause that stood before it... It all kind of falls to shit..."
Honesty is a virtue, or is it. Kids nowadays, get taught that small lies are okay. Do you agree? Do you lie to make situations easier? Where is the boarder for "good" and "bad" when it comes to a lie?
"Everyone lies... ... Everyone.... Lies From the nicest person, the most honorable police officer, the volunteer at the food bank, the old grandmother walking past you on the street. Your boss, your friends, governments, and sometimes even inanimate objects... But it all stems from a human element, everything we touch, we corrupt, we... soil, with our perverted ideas and way of life... in the movie, avatar, by James Cameron, we hear the story of the sergeant that has a clawed up face, how he could have surgery to correct it, but he likes to stay it, so that it reminds him of the harsh reality that if you allow life to gain on you, it will spit you up and our, after slicing your throat
We lie to survive. We put a mask on to lie to ourselves and others. We fib to get ahead of the next person. We exacerbate, extravagate, lead on, fool anyone we can... so that we individually can learn to be better liars. We steel, we infect, we destroy, we rape... then after all is said and done... "Wasn't me" We are selfish to the core... its how we are designed
Honesty.. to a human... in not in the light of right or wrong, its how can we screw you over more so that "I win, you lose"
Humans are based on pain and suffering, lies and deceit... many males will lie to have sex, many females will lie to put them selves ahead of other females for a position in the get fucked line... Your dog shits on your floor; it will run away when it sees you coming towards them... "Nope, nope, that wasn't me, it was the cat.. no it was the fish, wasn't me" tail between legs... a shit lie... (huehueuhehue). Your kid eats a cupcake that you said not to touch, they get big eyes and try to wipe the crumbs off their face and lie to you that it was not them that ate the cupcake... a small lie... Bp oil lies that it did everything it can to prevent an oil spill America lies that it wants peace in the Middle East Religion lies (and I aint getting into that)
Human nature... we on a basic level... are fucked, and it is because we don't know in our genetics to undo this... that it is our fundamental error in existence.
We don't know how to lay down and die we don't understand how to set our selves aside and be everything we are not a virus does not understand how to pull back and say "you know, im not going to infect you... have a good day" we... cant even begin to think that idea...
what is the difference between an ok lie, and a bad lie? For us individually... a good lie will get us even 0.000001% closer to getting layed A bad lie is the opposite of that.
For our species... We... don't have such an ability to understand how to not lie, and that to a different species... I am sure is a virtue that would make them not want to even interact with us."
Now you are filled with more knowledge about tox, dear reader. I hope that you enjoyed the interview and got an idea about the personality of tox. You can re-read part 1 here . Feel free to leave a comment here, saying what you think about the interview, requesting users to get interviews is also appreciated. Tune in next week :3